Who robbed me of my bank of happiness?

You used to be my bank of utter happiness and I used to wear a smile everyday because of you, you filled me with love and made me feel giddy with elation.

I don't know, I don't remember since when...the thought of you depresses me. Just thinking about you now brings tears to my eyes. When you left me, you left my chest hollow.

I try so hard to remember the way you made me feel, the euphoria you would bring me but all's such a muddle, so vague and so abstracted. You were my ecstasy pill and my heart so desperately yearns to feel the kick of delirium I used to feel.


Don't worry, it's not you. It's me, baby.. It's me. After you, I don't know how to be truly happy anymore. I've forgotten how to do it alone, on my own. I always say I'm happy but it's a different kind of 'happy', it's a complacent happy. It's not the delirious happiness I yearn to grasp.

The looming emptiness.

It's a pain that I can't fix. It's not like an insecurity on my face or my body that I can get rid of with surgery or make-up. It's not like a broken heart from a boy. But it's a hole in my heart that will be forever empty, because of two people who didn't really love each other, but pretended to. And although I hide it, it kills me. Every second of every day. I can't push it to the back of my mind like I used to. My smiles aren't fake. I'm happy, but I'm not okay.