Don't fade away

Tears began to stream down the both of my cheeks and my chest heaved rigorously as I tried to stifle the sobs from breaking out from my throat.

I yearned for God, I begged Him to take away the pain from my past for He's the only one that truly, without a doubt, knows me. No one knows the hurt I feel and the emotional plight I torture myself with every day, no one understands me better than Him for He knows it all. I pleaded Him to help me let go of everything that once mattered to me and set me free.

Everyone thinks I should be over everything by now but they just don't get it. Until they feel the same pain I feel, they'll never understand. I mask on a smile everyday to hide it all because it's easier than explaining why I am sad. I will tell you that I am fine or doing good, and honestly, I'll even feel fine on most days but it's the nights when the memories - memories which dominate my every thought and consume me entirely - decide to haunt me that gets to me. I feel like I have to free myself all over again.

The pastor's chants of prayers came off as murmurs in my ears as I cried harder with every minute but as I let go in bitter tears, I felt the pent-up hurt gradually dissipated. I found solace and relief washed over me.

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead of me."

I'm coming to terms with letting go and letting God. It isn't trivial but I'm not giving up for I know God will never forsake me. :')

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Oh and! I have really pleasant news. My confirmation and baptism is on the 19th of June. Yayyersss~ It's just next month, and I'm ecstatic about it. June is going to be such a great month! Teehee. ♥