I'm with you

So, I sit here alone in my very cold room, awake earlier than normal days, writing on my blog in the vain hope that you would read it, tears clouding my vision, snot running down my face and feeling incredibly overwhelmed with despair and disappointment.

It is so easy to fall in love, get comfortable with someone and lose your self-reliability. Having the school of thought he's going to pick up the pieces and mend you when shit hits the fan is pure foolishness. People disappoint. Expecting him to be there and getting crushed when they aren't or can't is like grabbing a handful of sea salt rubbing onto a freshly cut wound.

I called you last night. Thrice. But not once you answered. I only called you because our friend thought I should. I texted you and went to sleep. I was hoping I would see a text in the morning but...I should jolly well know that I was hoping for nothing. You will never fail to let me down.

I still love you, 'though and I probably always will. Why did you have to absolutely destroy me? I was finally healing, almost healed but you had to rip my heart apart again. My heart can't possibly break anymore because it wasn't whole to begin with. I was starting to build trust in you but what you did.. I don't know how to forgive you. Or myself for allowing you to shatter me once again. I need time and you need to put in some effort. You do nothing and let me wallow in my self-pity and sorrow.

I pretend like I don't have the care in the world when I am around people and I act like I'm absolutely fine but I really am not. Every minute of the day, I hope to see a text or a call from you, to make everything better and tell me that we're gonna be alright. I have so much hope and I think it's gonna engulf me alive. If the hope doesn't, the despair would.

I wish you would prove me wrong once and for all. Don't let my heart completely die, please.

ASDFGHJKL. I don't know how to be okay. I honestly can't fathom how I should/could I be alright.