Kickstart my heart

Hey, everybody (referring to my non-existent readers).

I'm not sorry for abandoning my blog and keeping everything happening in my life so vague. I can't find my blogging touch anymore, very honestly speaking. I also kind of tried to stay away from my blog because it holds way too many memories and it hurts to be reminded of so much. Even my blog layout depresses me because it's so dark and all. I could change the layout but I can't be arsed. I even had the urge to delete the whole damned blog because.. IT. IS. FUCKING. DEPRESSING.



My life sucks. It's fucking bleak. I don't have my own room anymore at the moment and I slept in the living room last night. I have no comfort zone to take land and I can't even cry peacefully alone at night anymore. I have no four walls to conceal me and no door to hide behind. If you're wondering what happened to my room, it's under renovation at the moment. (Any idea what colour should I paint the walls?) Oh and I am swapping rooms with my brother so technically, it's no longer my room. I suppose it's one of the steps to letting go. My room brings back memories as well. I see my bed and I imagine him lying there. Or when I lie down, I imagine him holding me in his arms as we slowly drift to sleep. Fuck, you know what? This very spot I am sitting here right now in my living room reminds me of him. The pain is so raw and everywhere I go or whatever I do, I am bloody reminded of him, of us..


My heart still aches but I am surviving. Perhaps, letting go of him is the right thing to do. If it makes him happier so be it. His happiness is also mine. I want to be selfish but I can't bear it. I love him and I know I always will for a very long time.