I feel like I've emptied all your words.

*lets out a groan of frustration* I keep typing and backspacing, typing and backspacing, repeating the process over and over again. It's really getting to me.


I don't really know how to.. Ugh, whatever.

I don't wanna utter the words, y'know? 'Cause I'm afraid once it's out, it's real and.. I don't want it to be real.

Today marks the last day of 2008. There, I said it.

2009 is knocking on the door yet why do I feel so relunctant to open the door and welcome 2009? Why?

I mean, usually, I'll be really psyched about a new year ahead of me, y'know? Sure, I'm totally psyched about the new year countdown tonight at Marriot. But what really intimidates me is the challenges and hardships that I have face throughout the year 2009. I am just not ready for it.

I used to be thrilled about growing older but as the years go by, I feel very unhappy with life. Tears well up every single time the realization sets in. I'm growing older and it's scaring the shit out of me.

Everything, every little thing in life matters all of a sudden and every decision leads to another. I feel that I'm too cautious living life yet it doesn't help me succeed at all, actually. I've felt the motivation to strive hard and achieve good results so I can enter a good Uni and graduate with a degree and pursue a very successful career that will impress everyone for ever looking down on me and thinking I'm pathetic and useless.

Then again, can I really do it? Everytime I ask myself this question, my motivation gradually fades away and I feel like I'm back on square one again.

I'm not afraid to say, I have no low self-esteem. My mind and heart had been shaken and pierced one too many times by words. Words coming out from my own parents and siblings. Maybe they didn't know that I could get hurt by their harsh and spiteful words, maybe they're oblivious that their words actually leave permanent gashes and wounds behind, maybe and just maybe they don't realize that their words torment and taunt me every single day of my life. I feel sorry for myself.

Sometimes, I really miss being a child. Children don't hold responsibilities, do they? They don't have to give a fuck about anything actually. I don't even think they know what's stress and pressure. For all I remember, I didn't have to care about anything at all when I was young.

I miss being doted by my parents and siblings. Like the other night, I was having a really bad tummyache. I told Mum but she was so nonchalant about it. Somehow, it hit where it hurts. I told her about it because I wanted her to show a single trace of care about me.. She didn't even ask if I was okay or anything. She didn't even take a look at me. And somehow, it hurts me.

Funny, 'cause I'm crying as I relive that night in my head. I bet you never knew I could be such a weakling..


I can never get tired of listening to Kill Paradise's songs. I don't know why but their songs got a magical effect of calming me.

P/S: I really hope I can join Adam and the others tonight at Marriot. Let's keep our fingers un-crossed and say our prayers right.