i never should have gone there.

It's been a very long time since I last talked to you..

"还爱吗?"
我问我自己..
"还爱吗?"
"不知道.. 可能吧."
"为什么?"
"我也不知道. 停止不了.. 没办法."
"不能忘记吗?"
"我试过了.. 没有用的."
"那.. 怎么办?"
"就由时间把它带走吧.."
"你舍得?"
"....."
"为什么偏偏是爱上他.."
"我相信.. 这是最后一次了."
"最后一次什么?"
"最后一次.. 爱上他."
这其实是自己的对话.. 我躺在床上,抓着一只公仔,很笨的跟它聊天..
泪不会流了.. 时间也停止了.. 我的心.. 却怎么也停不了..

The mandarin words are by a friend of mine, Kah Yee. She sure has a way with words, don't you think? And you may ask why I'm putting this up? 'Cause I think it's really beautiful and somehow, I can relate to it very well.


I had one of the most amazing dreams last night. His face, his eyes, his breath, his touch, everything felt so real to me. In my dream, he embraced me. He told me he still loves me and he wants me back.. But all of a sudden, my dream shattered. Everything disappeared and so did he.. Leaving me in utter darkness. Then, it occured to me.. It was just a dream. No matter how bad I want to fall back into sleep and continue dreaming, no matter how real it felt.. It was just a dream, a surreal dream. Everything would still go away. I will never come to senses that he's never coming back, will I?


God, I hate that I'm crying while I type this furiously. I hate how this is hurting me. I hate that I have to look through my tears to look at your Friendster, to see if you even miss me a tiny bit. You used to make me smile so much and I hate you for that. I hate that you made me extremely happy for those three months. I hate that I think about the future. I hate that I still hope to see you. I hate the way my stomach flips whenever I used to get a text from you, no matter how small or insignificant the words were in it. I hate that even though I resent you so much, I still love you and I could never hate you. I hate that a lot but what I hate more is that I'll never forget you because I'm too busy loving you and contradicting myself by hating everything that you do.


"No, I'm not tired of this relationship. I never was and never will. There are so many things I want to say to you, so many I don't even know where to start but I never have the guts to and I don't know when I will. So many things I want to do with you but it seems like just a fantasy of mine. If only I'm good enough for you. Everything I do, I think of you. When I'm with you, I don't feel like myself, afraid of what you might think of me. If only you know how it felt being me. I really ____ you. -- I wish I could talk to you like you're my close friend. I wish you could talk to me more, treat me like a boy if must. I don't mind. The thought of you leaving me kills me, the thought of you breaking up with me although I am waiting for you to say it but still, I wish you wouldn't. I'd give away everything, just to be a part of you. I always thought we could last long. I always prayed that the day for you to go would never come but I guess it's inevitable."
I never should have gone there, I never should have. 'Cause now, I'm here. Here, all alone.