i want to swim away, but don't know how.

The emo monster came around again.. It has been so long, so long since it last visited me. Well, now.. It's back here and haunting. Crisis. Leave me alone.

I dread the silence because it makes me think of you. Yes, you. I miss you. I'm not gonna deny it because I really do.

After so long, I thought I'd be utterly over you. I always convinced myself that I am because I thought I am, but until now, until this day.. I'm still clinging onto our past. I tried to fall in love with someone else. I really tried, but I don't know why. I still think you're the one. You're that one. I tell myself to move on, but it seems that I can't.

I still secretly pray that someday, you would come back to me and we can do things we never really did together. There's so much things I want to do with you and only you, but I never got the chance to and I never ever will again. You said when you come back, you'll hang out with me. That's a promise. But when you come back, we're gonna hang out just as friends. I'm not even sure if I want to see you by then.. Perhaps to you, it's no big deal because I never meant anything to you. But do you know that? To me, it's a whole different story. Hanging out with someone you once loved before and secretly you still love him, but nobody knows. All you can do is stand there and stare at him longingly, but to turn away when he looks your way and pretend you've moved on, pretend that he's nothing to you anymore.

You know what hurts to most? It's knowing that I once hold him, I once had him all to myself, but now he's no longer mine and never will be again. Do you know how that feels? Well, obviously.. You don't, he doesn't.

Does he still think of me when he sits in bed at night? Does he ever wonder what I'm doing? Does he still think of all those good memories we shared? Does he ever wish he could have me back? I doubt that he ever did. I highly doubt that I ever even crossed his mind after we split up.

I hated myself. I blamed myself. Why didn't I try to patch things up? Why didn't I try to work things out? Why did I just let our relationship fall apart bit by bit? Why did I let us slowly drift apart? Why did I even let you go at the first place?

And why did you have to go? :'( It sucks to know you don't feel the same anymore. You're leading your own life now, WITHOUT ME. You never belonged to me and I might as well, face the facts and carry on with my own life, but it's hard. It's really, really hard.

Look, I miss you to the maximum, why can't you see that?


Gag.. I feel so pathetic. When I'm with my friends, you don't even cross my mind.. But when I'm at home all alone, you're the only one that fills my head with these crazy thoughts of "me and you".

UGH.. I'm gonna head for the sheets. Sorry about being so emo. I just had to let it out. I hope I didn't give you the emo-yitis. Goodnight, love.